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March 01, 2005

Good Riddance, February

Sigh. God, February sucked.

The last your heard from me was whether I was going to shovel snow after having a vasectomy. What you might have heard right after that was the loud crack of my back and following closely, a shrill scream. Because, you see, I am an idiot. Claudine was on call that weekend and needed to be in the hospital because some woman (I *think* it was a woman) was going to have a baby. Ok, it probably *was* a woman. Claudine was being proactive and using the snow blower because she wanted to spare me the task of clearing the driveway after having my little procedure. In *my* stupid helpful way, I grabbed a shovel to help her. I started clearing the sections that you couldn't reach with a snow blower.

Have you ever heard the sage advice, "Lift with your knees, not with your back?" Yeah, me too. There is a lesser known codicil to that advice that says should say, "Except after a vasectomy, when you shouldn't lift at all. Because you won't want to bend your knees - it'll hurt your balls if you bend your knees. So just don't do anything involving snow, shovels or lifting." It's a pretty long codicil. But it's still valid. Very valid.

And so I was laid out by sore testicles and an incredibly sore back that made me tilt forward and to the left. And my back stayed sore for about three weeks. As my back was starting to feel better in mid-February, I was cleared by my doctor to try out my snipped bits. And so Claudine and I did with great rejoicing. About four days after the great rejoicing, I started to get a dull ache in my left testicle. It got more painful each day. And then the swelling started. Oh, how the swelling started. Once again, I was tilting to the left but not because of my back.

Just because you have a vasectomy doesn't mean the body doesn't produce sperm - just just stops the sperm from leaving the body. But they have to go *somewhere*. The theory behind this is that once the little sperm tubes are cut, your body will reabsorb the little swimming carriers of DNA. But not every part of the body is always that happy with this new responsibility. Sometimes that part of the body goes on strike. That part of the body just sits around getting fat and causing pain. Much like a striking Teamster. So I had to lay off the "great rejoicing" for another two weeks.

And I had lay off everything else too. Like working out, running, any type of exercise at all. The only thing I didn't lay off of was feeling sorry for myself and eating whatever food got near my mouth.

Stupid February.

Posted by aellis at March 1, 2005 01:26 PM


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