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I'd like to apologize to everyone right now. This entry contains bad language. And hardware abuse. Don't read any further if you can't handle frank, sexual language. Or hardware abuse.
I get a lot of spam e-mail. A. LOT. Most of it is for porn. I try to set up filters and killfiles to deal with it, but it just keeps coming (NOT a pun, by the way). Unfortunatly, I (and many others, I'm sure) have come to view it as a necessary evil in dealing with the internet. It used to piss me off, but now deleting spam and adding domains to filters is an accepted part of my morning routine. You know, fire up e-mail program, check incoming mail, find spam that didn't trigger the filters, check spam folder for legitimate e-mail that didtrigger the filters, add new spam to the filters, respond to legitimate e-mail. That's just the way the morning goes.
Things have changed in the porn spam business. It used to just be good enough to promise the hottest girls (or guys. I'm an equal opportunity spam recipient) or the nudest celebrities. And the subject lines would reflect these simple times. When you first start getting e-mail that promised young ,hot, girls you took a look. But like I said above, porn spam is so prevalent now that I, at least, have become numb to these tired come ons (again, NOT a pun). I delete more "HOT Indian Teens" and "See Briteny [sic] Naked!!" spam in a week than I care to count.
So when I saw the following subject line in my inbox, I had to pause.
Do you like hammers?
First I checked to see if this e-mail was sent by Home Depot or Sears. No it was sent by someone with an AOL account. The AOL account is a dead giveaway as far as I'm concerned, but I have to admit to being impressed by the subject line. I mean, it isn't so obvious - it was different enough to make me take notice of it. I had to open it, even though I knew what it really was. And I wasn't wrong. Here's the body of the message:
Do you like hammers? Do you like young, pink teen pussy? Well how about young hot bitches fucking each other with hammers?
-CrazyTeenSex @ somecrappypornsite.net
Crazy young teen bitches fucking and sucking each other with crazy foreign objects!
Doesn't that bring it all together? They first ask if I like hammers. I mean, who likes hammers? Sure a hammer makes a fine addition to any tool set but I don't think that anyone has any real attachment to their hammer. Except for these crazy young teen bitches apparently. But for the sake of the arguement let's say, "yes, I like hammers." Then this spam asks if I like young, pink teen pussy. First, this spam is making the assumption that I am straight (or at least bi). But aside from that, yes I do seem to remember liking it. It has been awhile since I've actually has one that was in its teens but from what I remember, yes. And in strictly monetary terms, since Claudine is an OB/GYN, young, pink teen pussy puts food on our table. So I love it. Well then if I love hammers and I love young, pink teen pussy, then it simply stands to reason that I would like young hot bitches fucking each other with hammers. Wouldn't it? I mean, logically. The person who sent this spam thinks so. Well, I didn't click over there, but I do appreciate the spammers innovative subject line. It did make me laugh.
My other favorite spam is for a bestiality site. I'm not going to go into details here. But my e-mail is set up to display HTML so some amazing embedded images appear over my morning bagel sometimes. I have a pretty open mind, but even for me, most of the pictures of people and animals are just really too weird to think about. But there was one that caught my eye. It is a picture of a naked woman and a monkey (also naked). They aren't having sex, they're just hugging and facing the camera. And there are those old fashioned rectangular black boxes over their eyes. You know the ones I'm talking about. Now I can undertand that the woman wouldn't want her identity known, after all, she's sleeping with a monkey. But who is concerned with protecting the monkey's identity? Are there monkey internet cafes in the jungle where this monkey's mate is going to jump up and say "ooo ooo, ahh ahh, I can't believe my mate is cheating on me with some homo sapiens! Damn her and her slutty increased brain pan. Damn her all to hell!" And then fling her feces at the monitor?
I just don't get the whole spam thing. Do people really respond to it? Although, I do realize that the whole thing is incredibly cost effective and they only need a very small number of people clicking to break even. I guess if it didn't make money, it wouldn't exist. And I guess the businesses behind the spam are contributing to the economy of the internet. So, I'm changing my mind. You don't need to hit me over the head with a hammer (or any other crazy foreign object) to convince me that spam is a wonderful, wonderful thing.
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