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06/11/2002

My Daughter is a Mutant Freak

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I took care of Annabel all day yesterday and I came to the conclusion that my daughter has the most disgusting belly button in the world. It is sooooooo nasty. I gag whenever I change her diaper. Although it is possible that I would gag anyway. Actually that isn't true either. At her age (1 month) there isn't really any stink involved with her doody. Mother's milk contains the perfect food for her and no stinky stuff makes it way out the back. What the hell was I talking about anyway?

Oh, yeah. Annabel's mutant navel. From what I understand - and from what I have experienced with my two older boys - the umbilical cord gets dyed blue after it is cut during the birthing process. Then everytime you change the baby, you take a little alcohol and dab it around the base of the cord where it meets the navel. This is supposed to dry out the dying cord until it just falls off. But Annie has this large lip of a navel that raises up from the surface of her belly.

And if you inside this lip is a nasty, undyed, undried, disgusting knob of an umbilical cord.

O.K. I should have warned you that picture was coming. But I have to experience it, I think you should have to also. I apologize for the blurry picture, but I was dry heaving at the time and it's hard to hold the camera still when you are dry heaving.

I don't even remember Bobby's cord coming off. But, boy, do I remember Jake's umbilical cord coming off. We were in our old Madison house. Old because we don't live there anymore and old because it was about 90 years old. We didn't have any air conditioning so Jake was just in a diaper and a white baby tee shirt. This is a true baby tee. Claudine was laying on her back with Jake on her stomach. She was also wearing a white tee shirt. We were basking in our young couple with new baby glow. Claudine rolled over to let Jake lay down on his back on the floor. I looked down at them and saw a big splotch of bright red blood on Claudine's shirt. I freaked out. I pointed it out to Claudine. Claudine freaked out. We looked closer and found that the little bit of the cord was still stuck to Claudine's shirt. Our baby was BLEEDING!! AAAAHHHHH! Run around with you head cut off!! What we didn't know was that there could still be blood trapped in the little bit of cord. Seems obvious now, but we called everyone we knew to find out if we had just killed our baby. We hadn't.

Something else I learned with this baby is that changing a girl baby is much, much different than changing a boy baby. As a guy - a guy with a penis - it was much easier to "handle" things down there on a boy baby. I mean, after the circumcision healed. That was just nasty. But there aren't really any rules in wiping down a boy's butt. If I'm wiping up doody, I can wipe it up, down, across, it doesn't matter. And my favorite doody-wiping technique (man, I'm pathetic, aren't I) was straight up from the back of the butt forward. But with a girl baby, you have to be very careful to keep the doody away from the girly parts. Which just totally screws up my technique.

And speaking of girly parts... You'll have to excuse me if it gets too graphic here. When Claudine showed me how to go about changing the diaper of a female type person, she gently opened up Annie's girly parts and wiped them once. And she showed me that there are some natural "fluids" and stuff in there. And she wisely told me that stuff is supposed to be there and it should stay there. If she hadn't told me that, I would have been trying and trying and trying to wipe that stuff away. And it would have been bad.